Chapter 26: The Balloons That Made Me Cry

As soon as I woke up today, I journaled like any other day. Today felt a little heavy and I couldn't really shake it off. I remember reading in Colossians 3:14, "Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony." This really stuck with me throughout the day. I had a photoshoot scheduled with Fabiane and was really excited to be creating some birthday content. I was pinning some photos on a secret board and realized that I wanted to use balloons with the age that I will be turning, 27. It wasn't until I was on my way to purchase them, that this overwhelming feeling of sadness struck me. I didn't understand why. Once the young lady began to fill up the balloons, it hit me. I realized why I had this unbearable heaviness in my heart. Seeing those two huge numbers, "2" and "7", was just another reminder of the age that Curtis was just a few short hours away from celebrating. God willing, in 10 days, I will see 27. Today, I felt like making it to 27 would mean that I outlived Curtis, that I was able to see another chapter/year of my life close and transition into the next, without him. It doesn't surprise me how deep my emotions can take me. I can see how someone can stay stuck in the darkness and the struggle of pain and grief. I not only see it, I know it. I've been stuck before.I made my way to the car with the balloons, and drove to the photoshoot location. It took everything inside of me to keep the tears from falling at that moment. My makeup was ready to go and didn't want to waste time trying to fix it. It was my first time at this spot and as soon as I arrived, there was such a tranquil peace in the atmosphere. I decided that after the photoshoot, I'd stick around to journal for a while. I sat on a wooden bench near the pond, with my journal and pen in hand. The sun was shining so bright, the sky was super blue. The sound of the waterfall and birds chirping was all I could here. I began surrendering all that I had been carrying today. The emotions were too heavy for me to hold on to. Too dark, too painful, too much. I went on about how much I missed Curtis, the tears flooded my eyes and onto the journal page. I released all the negative and realized that even in that moment, God can still handle it. It pains him to see me sad, because he cares. It was then when I remembered the verse I was meditating on this morning. I asked him to clothe me in His unfailing love. I told him that no matter what it looked like, I'd trust him.I shared on my Snapchat today that I not only wanted to share the victory moments, but the breakdown moments as well. I am human. Yes, God has truly had a way of being my rock these last couple of months but you'd be buying into a facade if I didn't show you the pressing that it takes to decide to not stay stuck. It's hard, but it's worth it. And if the balloons make me cry tomorrow, I will once again continue to press my way through, until love overwhelms my heart.

love, michelle ana